I'll Catch You As You Fall
by PrincessPiglet2176
Summary: Fitz returns from juvie on house arrest and has to be tutored by Clare. Will she be the one to teach Fitz that it's ok to be love? Or will it be Fitz that finally teaches Clare what it really feels like to let go?
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

I sit staring at the clock on the wall. I'm anxious and cannot wait to get out of here.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," I look up to see a young guy approaching my mom. My mom stands up and reaches a hand out to him. "I'm Joseph Gianni. I'm covering Mark's hearing today." Who the hell is this guy? "Mr. Rhodes extends his apologies but he got called away to a more pressing case you see." I see him turn to me and reach out his hand, "Mark, I presume?"

I don't return the gesture nor do I answer him. I just sit with my arms crossed in front of me. The only though I have is this Abercombie and Fitch model is my lawyer? He looks like the jackasses that I go to school with or well went to school with.

He takes his hand back, "Right, ok, well I reviewed the case with Mr. Rhodes and he informed me that Mark's going to agree to all the stipulations that are being laid out, correct?."

My mother looked down at me. Disappointment written all over her face. "Yes, that is what he had discussed with Mr. Rhodes. Mark's agreed to 90 days of house arrest as Mr. Rhodes discussed with him to carry out the rest of his sentence and then he will agree to any other stipulations that are laid out for him. Right honey?"

I shrug, "Sure, can we just this over with? I can't wait to get out of juvie just to be stuck in a two bedroom apartment every day." I roll my eyes.

"Great, well, then this hearing should be a quick and rather painless." He smiled. He looked like he'd been plucked off of a runway. I hate pretty boys. I hated him.

Two hours later, I'm sitting in front of the TV in my mom's penthouse that overlooks the city.

She walks out of her bedroom and barely looks at me, "Ok well I'm headed over to Degrassi to see what we can do about your schooling. I'm hoping they'll be willing to send someone over to help you. God knows I really don't have the time to work with you to keep up with your studies, but who knows, they are probably so glad to be rid of you…"

"Really mom? Do you really have to continue berating me?" I interrupt her. "Like I haven't heard this how many times over the last few months. I get it I screwed up, ok? How much longer are you going to hold it against me?"

She sighs and I see the disappointment wash over her face again, "I just don't understand what happened to you. You used to be such a good kid, Mark."

"Was I? That must have been before you bounced on me and Dad and seemed to forget you had a son!" I yelled. I got up from the couch and went to my room, slamming the door behind me. I hated her just like I hated everyone.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

"Mark, get up. I'm leaving for work." I hear my mom yell from somewhere else in the apartment. I moan and throw the covers back up over me. "Mark," I hear her voice clearly now coming from what once was my closed bedroom door. "You need to get up. You are not going to lay around and do nothing all day long."

What does my mom expect me to do? I cannot go anywhere I am on house arrest. "So are you expecting me to get up and do nothing? Why can't I just sleep then?"

"Mark, you will not just be doing nothing all day long. There's a gentleman who lives in this building that's agreed to be your therapist." I look shocked at her. "Whoa! Wait a minute! I never agreed to any therapy!"

"Mark," my mom turns on her motherly voice. "You know that was part of your stipulations to get out of juvenile detention."

"I just don't see why I have to go and spend an hour talking to some douche bag about my feelings. Seriously, I don't think there's anything wrong with me!" I grin.

I see the look of disbelievement on her face. "Really? Do I really need to remind you of what occurred just a few months ago and apparently the things you had been doing before that? Not too mention the comment about how you think I forgot about you." I look at my mom and see what I think is guilt. "I truly never forgot about you, Mark. There were just things that I could not get passed myself. There were things between your father and I that you would never understand but I doesn't mean that I ever stopped loving…"

I roll out of bed when I saw her approaching me. "You're right, Mom, I'll never understand how someone forgets that she has a fucking kid and leaves him to focus on her career and left him to deal with…" I stopped. "Oh just fucking forget it, ok? You don't get to know my shit."

"Mark, I don't appreciate that language. I'm just not sure what your father was allowing you to do when you were living with him, but things are going to be different if you are going to be living here."

"If? If?" I laugh, "Really, mom, don't have much of a choice with this thing on my leg." I pointed to the home monitoring bracelet on my ankle that was a constant reminder of the shit that I had done.

"Mark," I hear the sadness in her voice, "I know you don't agree to all the court stipulations, but it did get you out of juvenile detention early, so how about a little bit of effort, ok?"

I shrug, "Sure."

"Good," she sighs in return. "You need to get ready so I can take you to your therapist appointment." She turned to leave my room, "Oh and I forgot to tell you that your tutor from Degrassi will be here around 4 today. You know your really lucky that you didn't get completely expelled from Degrassi and they are willing to work with you."

God, here comes the umpteenth guilt trip that she's laid on me for the last few months. "I know, Mom. I'm truly blessed." I stated as I walked past her and headed to the bathroom.

"Clare, did you hear?" Eli sat down next to me interrupting my concentration.

"What?" I ask.

"That, oh I am so mad, I can barely stand it. I can barely even talk about it." Eli pounded his fist on the table.

"Eli, relax, what happened?"

I saw a faraway look in his eye that I had never seen before. "Fitz."

I swallowed hard, "What about Fitz?"

"He didn't get any jail time. I am so disappointed in the justice system right now. I mean seriously the guy almost kills me and all he gets is a slap on the hand!" I watch Eli clench and unclench his fists. The anger emanating from him.

"Eli, calm down, please," I beg.

"I can't Clare. Not after what he did to me. To us." Eli was on his soap box again I rolled my eyes. When I first met Eli, I loved his passion about things but lately I don't know I had started to see a change in him. Actually, when I first saw Eli, I had been drawn to him immediately but since the Fitz situation, something in him had changed and I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

"Clare, are you listening to me?" I hear his voice interrupt my thoughts.

"Of course, I just don't understand what you are so upset about. You knew that eventually he was going to get out. They couldn't keep him in juvie forever and it's not like he's here anyway. I don't even think he's allowed to return to Degrassi."

Eli continued to clench and unclench his fists, "You're right." He sighed a deep breath, "but just so you know, it's my job to protect you if he ever comes near you and I don't think I would be able to control my actions if he ever did anything to you."

"Your job is to protect me, Eli?" I hissed. I felt anger rising up inside of me. "Your job? I thought your job was to be my boyfriend and to love me? I don't need a bodyguard."

I stood up and at the same time Eli did too. "Stop, you're right." He said, "I shouldn't have said it like that. I know you are smart enough to stay away from Fitz." He smiled.

I smiled back, "Of course," I whispered.

"So do you have time to edit my story after school today?" He asked smiling. "I thought maybe we could meet at the Dot around say 4?"

I swallowed hard, "I can't I have tutoring at 4 today."

"Seriously, Clare, you are one of the smartest people I know. You don't need tutoring." He smiled and laughed.

I smiled back, "I'm tutoring someone, silly." I hit him playfully on the arm.

"Oh ok. Who?" He asked curiously. "Please, tell me your not tutoring Owen again? I mean when is that dumb jock going to realize that he has no future besides saying 'Would you like fries with that?'" He threw his arm around my shoulders steering me in the direction of my English class.

I smiled although I found his statement to be a little offending. Sure, Owen was not the brightest guy in the world, I had tutored him in Math and he'd been able to pass Algebra. "No, not Owen. I'm not sure who it is," I lied. I figured it was better to lie then tell him the truth but how long was I going to be able to cover where I was going everyday at 4pm? How would I be able to tell him that it was me that was going to be tutoring his arch enemy?


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

I stare at the door ready to ring the bell but fear gripped me. I look down at my cell phone. 3:58pm. I couldn't help but wonder how he would react to it being me. What was I doing agreeing to this? What the hell made me think I was going to be ok doing this.

"Pull yourself together, Clare. You were the one that agreed to do this. Actually, you were the one that volunteered yourself." I stated quietly to myself. Yes, I had agreed to volunteer.

_I was sitting outside Mr. Simpson's office waiting to meet with him regarding funding a study program for a math tutoring program that Allie and I had wanted to start when I couldn't help but listen to the conversation. I know it was wrong to eavesdrop but when I heard the name, I couldn't help myself. _

"_Mrs. Fitzgerald," I heard Mr. Simpson say, "I'm afraid that there's no one in Mark's grade that will agree to tutor him." _

"_Mr. Simpson, I know that my son has been extremely difficult here, but I am begging. Isn't there anyone?" I heard a pretty female voice begging. _

"_Mrs. Fitzgerald, the problem is Mark has burned a lot of bridges here at Degrassi. I mean there isn't just the knife incident that occurred but well, Mark's been what we would call a bully here." I hear Mr. Simpson state matter-of-factly. "He's been threatening students and he's been in several fights. He's been well to put it nicely a menace. The students here have every right to be frightened of your son."_

"_I understand that Mark has been a bit of a terror here," She stated, "but my son deserves an education and you had guaranteed me that if Mark is able to maintain his grades and show that he is doing better, he would be able to return to Degrassi next school year. You even told this to the judge and that you really thought that Mark was a good kid deep down and was just misunderstood, and now what he's just some kid who your going to throw to the side because he's had some issues?" _

_I heard the pain in her voice and I found myself feeling bad. The next thing I knew I was standing in the doorway of Mr. Simpson's office, "Excuse me, Mr. Simpson."_

"_Clare, this isn't a good time to discuss the funding for the math program."_

"_No, I know. I'm sorry I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and well, I would like to volunteer to tutor Fitz." I look at his mother, "I think he's a good guy deep down." I smile._

_She returns the smile. Genuine and warm. "Thank you." She states quietly. _

"_Clare, are you sure?" Mr. Simpson asks. I see the confused look, "I mean you know that he almost…"_

"_But he didn't." I interrupt. "He wouldn't have." I swallow hard because I truly believed that. _

"_Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is Clare Edwards." _

_I turn and smile towards his mom. She smiled back at me, "Clare? Edwards, you said?" _

"_Yes," I answer. _

"_You were the one that went to the dance with Mark that night? You tried to stop him."_

_I nod. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt." _

_She smiled, "Mr. Simpson, I think Clare will be a wonderful tutor for Mark. Can you start Monday at 4:00pm?"_

"_Monday at 4 is fine." _

So here I stand, Monday at 4 waiting to ring a doorbell. Wondering if his mother told him who it was tutoring him and what his reaction was going to be seeing me for the first time since that fateful evening.

I look down at my cell phone again. 4:01. I sigh and push the doorbell. No answer. I ring again. "Yeah I'm coming." I hear the door being unlocked and it abruptly swings open, "So which top geek of Degra…Clare? What are you doing here?"

"Hi Fitz." I try to sound calm. "How are you? I'm your tutor."

He laughs a small laugh and steps out into the hallway looking around. "Really? Is this some kind of joke?"

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Looking for the rest of the misfits." He looked down the hallway. "I'm expecting Eli or Adam to be lurking close by to jump out to your rescue" He leaned down close enought that I could feel him breath against my ear and whispered, "because well we all know they would never allow Saint Clare to be around Evil, mean, bully Fitz without them there to protect her." He stood back up and looked around again. "So where are they Clare?"

"Look, it's not a joke. I really am your tutor." I state.

He shakes his head, "Why would Simpson send you?"

"Simpson didn't send me, Fitz." I pause. My eyes locking with his. "I volunteered."

"Why would you want to volunteer?" He had anger in his eyes.

"Because I felt that I could help you." I said truthfully. "They said you needed a tutor and well I thought that maybe it was something that I could do to help you finish your studies."

"Why?" He asked angrily staring down at me. "Why do you want to help me Clare? I almost stabbed your boyfriend, remember?"

"Yes," I whisper. I saw flashbacks of that night rolling through my head. I see him standing at his locker with the corsage he'd had. I see him and Eli switching cups and then him getting sick. I see the look of hurt in his eyes when he thought I had tricked him along with Eli. Then I see the look in his eyes when he lunged the knife at Eli.

"I'm still that guy, Clare." He stated.

I shake my head erasing the memories, "What?"

He shakes his head, "I'm still that evil jerk that bullied Adam and almost stabbed your little boyfriend."

"I refuse to believe that Fitz." I reply. "I don't believe that you really are truly evil, Fitz."

"Really?" He said inching towards me, "You think I'm a good guy, huh?" I felt my back hit the wall but never losing contact with his eyes. He braced both arms on either side of my head, "You're wrong, Clare." He whispered looking me straight in the eye. "And right now I see the fear in your eyes." He took a step away from me and turned to return to the apartment, "Go home, Clare."

I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand, "No Fitz." I pulled him to look at me. "I'm not scared of you." I let go of his arm. "The truth is that night I saw something good inside of you. Something that I still believe is there."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys I hope you are enjoying this fic as much as I am enjoying writing it. I have so many ideas on how to take this story. I love Flare and hope that they are finally together at some point in time on the show but for now, I will continue to write them to the best of my ablility. Reviews are welcome. Let me know if you feel that I staying close the characters as possible. Enjoy Chapter Four! **

I saw her take a deep breath and felt her grab my hand, "No Fitz." She pulled me to look at her. "I'm not scared of you." She let go of my arm. "The truth is that night I saw something good inside of you. Something that I still believe is there." Hearing her say that effected me. I felt good when she said it like even I could believe it but I knew it wasn't true. I am still the angry misunderstood Fitz that I've been for years.

I shake my head and laugh, "Do you not remember who I am? I went to juvie for the fact that I brought a knife to school and almost stabbed your boyfriend…"

"Almost." She reminded me. "You wouldn't have really stabbed him, Fitz. I know you were only trying to scare him."

"Ok, how about the fact that I am the guy who bullied Adam for no other reason than he/she/whatever it is, is different?"

"Sure but you also tried to apologize for that. You also apologized to Eli for everything to." She smiled, "I forgave you for all those things you did then."

"Really, so you are saying I pulled a knife on your boy toy and it's ok?"

She shakes her head, "No, it doesn't make it ok and I'm not saying you were justified in what you did, but I think you were reacting to the embarrassment you felt from what Eli did to you."

She was right, I had been embarrassed that night. The fact that I threw up in front of the first girl I had ever actually been on a date with even if it was only a fake date. "I wasn't embarrassed," I lied. "I was pissed off that he pulled the shit he did." I shot up from the couch. "I wanted him to be embarrassed, Clare. I wanted him to feel what it was like to have everyone look at you and laugh. I wanted to see him piss his pants." I see the horrified expression on her face and can't help but laugh, "God, Clare, please tell me you aren't that naïve to think that I truly am some kind of good guy hidden under all this pain and anger?" I question her sarcastically.

"I am not naïve, Fitz." I could see her temper flaring. "I also remember the guy that I met before the dance who was sweet and brought me a flower corsage claiming his mother made him get it but well that wasn't true because you weren't even living here at the time, were you? You bought that flower for me because you were trying to show me that you could be a good person, Fitz."

"You're reading way too into it, Saint Clare," I see her cringe at the nickname she hated, "You're right thought, I knew that if I brought you something nice and sweet, you would buy into the whole poor misunderstood, Fitz. I wanted you to think I had a heart of gold under all that attitude." I walked up to her. She stood tall not moving from the spot she stood in. I looked into those blue eyes and fought the urge to break and tell her the truth but I couldn't. I wouldn't ever tell her the truth. I wanted her to hate me so I lied, "I bought that flower because I knew girls like you love that bullshit." I paused and looked in her eyes one last time before I broke her. "In reality, Clare, I wanted to strip you of that purity ring. I wanted to be your first. I wanted to be the first dick you felt in that pretty little virgin hole of yours. I wanted to take something that Eli wants more than anything and when I told him I would be gentle. I wasn't lying I would have been." I see the tears start to pool in her eyes. Part of me wants to wipe them away but the angry part of me just kept going, "I wanted to make you scream my name in ecstasy that night Clare. I was going to take you away from Eli and ruin you and then when I was done with you, throw you back to him all used up."

I heard the slap and felt the burning the minute her hand connected with my cheek. "You're a jerk!" She exclaimed, "and a liar." How could she have seen through my act. "I refuse to believe that. You're lying and I want to know why."

"Because I don't want you here!" I shouted as I broke. "I don't need or want your help, Clare. I don't want to be some sort of charity case that you feel that have to help. I want you to leave and stay the hell out of my life." She stood there shocked. "Don't you get it, you being here just reminds me of what I did to end up here locked up."

"Mark, is everything ok? I heard you yelling when I got off the elevator." I turned to see my mom standing in the doorway. "Clare?"

"Everything's fine, mom." I state angrily. "I was just telling Clare that I don't want her to be my tutor."

"Well, that's fine and all, but I believe you may have been going about in the wrong way. Clare, are you ok?" I see Clare nod. My mother continued, "And besides you and I have gone over this, Mark, you have to have a tutor, and Clare was wonderful enough to volunteer her time to do this. You need to give her a chance."

"Why does it have to be her?" I ask nodding my head in Clare's direction.

"Because, no one else would do it." Clare answered before my mom could. "You've alienated everyone from Degrassi. Maybe if you had been oh I don't know a tad bit nicer when you were there more people would have volunteered but then again you can't go around being the school bully and expect people to come running to help you out."

"Well thanks for the lecture, Mother Theresa." I snidely remarked.

"Mark, that's enough." My mother stated. "I will not have you treat people like that in my home. Now, apologize to Clare, go sit at the dining table and open a book and let her do what she is here to do." She stated pointing in the direction of the dining table. I stood there not moving. "Now, do I need to remind you young man that part of the stipulations of your probation is continuing your studies?"

I shake my head no. "No, no need to remind me." I state quietly.

"Good, then Clare if you are willing to continue tutoring Mark, I think he is ready to begin now, and I am sure he will be much more willing to have your help from now on." I knew under those remarks was the veiled threat that if I didn't start to be more compliant my ass was going back to juvie.

I took in a deep breath and let it out. "I'm sorry," I muttered in the direction of where Clare stood but not willing to look at her.

"It's fine. I can only stay for about 30 more minutes, but we may be able to get through your math lesson." She stated quietly walking past me and sitting down on a chair at my mother's dining table. Her voice having a bit of a quiver in it. Had what I said effected her so much? And why did I care if it had?

30 minutes felt like an eternity. At the end of the lesson she packed up her bags and stood up quickly. I followed her to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow?" She stated making it sound like a question.

I rolled my eyes and saw my mom peering out of the kitchen, "Do I really have a choice?" I groaned.

"No." I heard both my mom and Clare answer at the same time. I couldn't help but smile and I saw a faint smile on Clare's face again. "Ok, tomorrow at 4 then." Clare stated as she went to walk out the door. "Goodnight, Mark."

"It's Fitz." I corrected her.

She put a finger to her lips and smiled, "Right, Mark." She stated walking to the elevator.

"Great see you tomorrow, Saint Clare." I shut the door before she could say another word.

Later on that night, I was in my laying on my bed playing my xbox. The one thing my mom had allowed me to bring from my dad's house. My mom knocked and entered. "Mark, can we talk a sec?"

I pretended to ignore her and continue with my game. I knew there was a lecture coming about what had occurred today with me and Clare and I wasn't in the mood to hear it. Five seconds later my tv screen went black. She'd hit the power on the remote on me. "What the hell, mom?"

"Well, next time, pause the game, and don't ignore me." She smiled. "I know you heard me when I stood there in the door, Mark. Don't pretend you didn't."

I couldn't help but shake my head and smile. At one time, my mom was one of the people that made me smile the most. "You got me there."

"Look, I just wanted to talk to you about Clare tutoring you. I'm sorry I should have told you it was Clare before she got her but I knew you would fight me even more on it." She sat down on the edge of my bed. "I know what happened that night is still fresh in everyone's mind but Clare really did stand up and volunteer to help you, Mark, and I really think you need to give it a chance." I sighed. "She seems like a genuinely sweet girl. I mean she did go to the dance with you that night. She must have seen something in you to want to go with you."

I shook my head and laughed, "Mom, I may have left out a little detail in the story about Clare going with me."

She looked confused, "And that would be?"

"I kind of blackmailed her into going with me." I saw the look of disappointment in her eyes that I have seen so much over the last several months. "I knew it would make Eli, her boyfriend, angry."

"I see." My mom sighed, "Well, that probably wasn't the best way to ask a girl for a date, Mark, but apparently she is willing to overlook that as well as the other things that had occurred at Degrassi. She seems to be willing to take a chance on you so why don't you give her a chance too?" I nod as she stood up and went to leave but turned and did something she hadn't done in years. She leaned down and kissed my forehead like she used to do when I was six and it was time for bed. "Besides, if I didn't know any better, I would think the real reason you wanted her to go to the dance with you is deep down inside, you really wanted it to be you that she was at that dance with." She winked and left my room closing the door quietly behind her.

I shook my head in disbelieve. I couldn't believe my mom thought that I would ever have any interest in Clare Edwards. Deep down I hated Clare just like I hated everyone else. Didn't I?


	5. Chapter 5

The next few weeks went by quickly. I was being more cooperative with Clare tutoring me and I was actually doing my work without argument. Something I had never done when I was at Degrassi.

"You know you aren't as stupid as you claim to be." Clare stated looking up from the paper she was reviewing.

"Thank you I think?" I am confused as ever. "Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"No, what I mean is you play as if you are some stupid kid, but you're not. You are basically doing your chem work by yourself." She stated skeptically.

"Must be the teacher," I smile.

"Maybe or maybe it's really because you are bright and just play dumb so your friends don't know the truth."

I shrug, "Yeah and maybe it's because I have to do this in order to appease my mom and probation officer and not to mention I can't ever get back to Degrassi next year and graduate unless I show some progress here. And believe me I want out of school as fast as possible."

"I don't believe that." Clare shrugged. "I think you want back to Degrassi."

"And I think you are reading way more into me doing a few assignments than you need to." I stand and stretch. "Want a soda or something?" I ask heading to the kitchen hoping to end the conversation.

"Sure." She smiled. I couldn't help but smile back at her. I walked into the kitchen remembering my mom's words about liking Clare. I didn't like her I kept telling myself but I was growing accustomed to seeing her daily. The weekends were the worst. I found myself wishing she came those days too, but it wasn't because I liked her, it was because my friends were always too busy to stop buy and see old Fitzy.

I grab two cokes and head back to the dining room but stop when I hear Clare on the phone.

"I'm not being secretive, Eli." She was trying to talk quietly but I could hear the frustration in her voice. "I should not have to tell you what I am doing constantly. I told you I tutor everyday from 4-6." She let out a deep voice. "No I don't need you to pick me up. My mom is picking me up." I walk in and set the coke in front of her. She looked up and mouthed "Sorry". I nodded my understanding. "No not tonight, my mom and I are having dinner. I told you all of this in school today." Frustration evident in her voice. "You know I have to get back to work. I'll call you later." She snapped her phone shut and threw it in her bag.

"Trouble in paradise?" I ask sarcastically. "Emo boy can't stand to be away from you for a few hours?"

"Eli. His name is Eli." She frowned. "Something like that." She sighed and looked down at lap where she sat playing with her fingers. "It's just sometimes he's so…so…so…overwhelming." She blurted out.

I sigh, "I see." I didn't really know what else to say. I have never been to good at the whole caring about other people's feelings. Once Biance was crying over some guy. I threw her a beer and told her to get over it. I smile remembering the good ole days.

"I mean he knows I'm tutoring everyday." She went on, "And yet he continuously calls me. It's like he doesn't trust me or he's suspicious of me."

"Hmmm…" Still at a loss for words.

She threw her hands up, "I'm tutoring. I mean it's not like that's something horrible. I mean it's not like I'm cheating on him. I'm not out screwing the football team." My head shot up and I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh I am so glad that you think this is funny." I could see the anger building up in those beautiful blue eyes. She stood up and began throwing books in her bag. "I think we are done today."

I stood up and grabbed her hand, "Stop, Clare. Don't go. I wasn't laughing at you and Eli's relationship. I mean sure I think it's funny that someone as great as you is dating someone so disgusting as him, but I was laughing because I'd never heard you use the word screw and never expected to hear you say something like 'screwing the football team'."

I saw a smile spread across her face, "I guess that would be kind of shocking to hear from Saint Clare." She then laughed and shook her head. She looked down at me holding her hand and pulled away quickly as if I had burned her.

"Sorry." I whispered not sure she heard it. "So can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." She smiled a shy smile, "But no I have never screwed the football team."

"Yeah, like I didn't know that." I rolled my eyes.

"What that's supposed to mean?" She asked shocked. "How do you know that this whole 'Saint Clare' isn't all just an act?"

I leaned across the table at her, "Because you're too good of a person Clare. You've probably never even snuck out past your curfew."

"Sure, I have." I look at her skeptically. She smiled. "I have. Once Alli and I snuck out and went to the ravine so she could see Johnny." She stated.

I laugh, "Wow, once! Whoa alert the media. Clare did something bad." I shook my index finger at her.

"Well, I am sorry that I'm not the rebellious teenager that you are, Mr. Fitzgerald." She smiled. "So what was your question?"

"Eli doesn't know you're here tutoring me, does he?"

She shook her head and looked down, "No. No one does." She stated quietly and saw guilt consume her face.

"And let me guess, you're mom's not actually picking you up today?"

"No." She shook her head.

I needed to do something quick to make her smile, "Well, look at that Clare. You are a little rebellious! I mean telling your boyfriend a story like that shows some little faint signs that there's a rebel begging to be let out." I smile and wink at her.

She looked up and smiled again. I couldn't help but notice how those blue eyes lit up when she smiled. Surprised, they could be even bluer than they already were. "Funny." She smiled, "And stop smiling at me like that, you look like the Cheshire Cat."

"Who?"

"The Cheshire Cat! From Alice in Wonderland?" She squealed. I shake my head having no idea what she's talking about. "You've never seen Alice in Wonderland." I again shake my head, "Oh my God, we so have to watch it. I'm going to bring it someday so we can watch it. I can say it's for an English assignment. I can't wait for you to see it. You'll love it."

I couldn't help but smile at the thought of watching a movie with Clare sitting next to me.

I left Fitz's that night and took the bus back to my empty house. My mom was out for dinner with some friends from church and it was my dad's week to stay at the condo. I walked from the bus stop and couldn't help but smile at the way that Fitz and I had developed more of a friendship. Although we were supposed to be studying we had begun to talk about other things besides school work usually on a daily basis. He would talk about his countdown til he got his ankle monitor off. 8 more weeks he said to me the beginning of this week. He was so excited about being able to do other things. I would sometimes fill him in on the daily events at Degrassi but always stopped when he showed boredom or sometimes what I thought was jealous. I know there was a part of Fitz although he denied it missed being at Degrassi. I smiled knowing that I had been right all along about Mark Fitzgerald. There was a good guy in there and today he had shown me when I was venting about Eli. Sure, he didn't give me some great advice but he also managed to not put Eli down like he usually did so to me that was a positive step for him. I turn the corner to my house and see the hearse parked in front. I sigh. So much for my good mood.

"Clare." Eli jumped out of the car. "I dropped by because I wanted you to read my latest story for editing." He stated holding sheets of paper in his fist.

"Eli, I thought I told you I was going out to dinner with my mom?" I ask walking up to the steps.

"You did, but you also told me that your mom was picking you up." I could hear suspicion in his voice.

"Well, there was a change in plans after I talked to you." I lied. "Rebel." I could hear Fitz's voice saying.

He grabbed my wrist and forced me to look at him. "Why are you lying to me, Clare?" He asked. I could hear the anger in his voice.

"Eli, let go you're hurting me." I beg. He let go of my wrist but I could still see anger in his eyes.

"Why do you keep lying to me? Don't you think I'm going to find out, Clare."

"Eli, why are you so angry, I haven't lied to you?" I state. "Rebel" again I hear Fitz's voice.

"You're lying to me now." He yelled. "I know you were lying about dinner with your mother. I stopped by and she told me that you were tutoring and that she was going to be going to dinner with some friends from church. So I am going to ask you again why is it you continuously lie to me?" He paused and took a step towards me. I stepped back and hit the front door. "Who is it your tutoring and why won't you tell me who it is?"

"Eli, did you ever think that maybe the person I am tutoring has asked for privacy or that maybe Mr. Simpson has asked me to not tell anyone?" I can feel the anger building up. "Why don't you just trust me?"

"Because I don't think I can trust you anymore, Clare. See I used to think you and I were the perfect couple. Never lying to each other. Telling each other everything about our lives but about four weeks ago that all stopped and I couldn't figure out what had happened until I realized that was when you started tutoring your mystery student. I couldn't put two and two together but then today it suddenly dawned on me why I didn't trust you anymore and the only reason you would have to lie to me. And you're right I don't trust you anymore" Eli said, "Not when I know the person you are tutoring is Fitz."

"Uh oh Rebel," Fitz's voice was in my head again.


	6. Chapter 6

"Not when the person you are tutoring is Fitz" I see the anger in Eli's eyes. The hurt. The hurt that I had put there.

I took a deep breath, "How did you find out?" I ask barely above a whisper. I hear the my voice shaking.

Eli took a step back and shook his head, "I was looking for you this afternoon and saw you in Mr. Simpson's office. I overheard him telling you what a great job you must be doing tutoring Mark Fitzgerald since his grades have improved so much."

I swallowed hard, "Eli…"

"How could you Clare? How could you be willing to help him?" He shouted at me. "He's our enemy."

"No, Eli, he's your enemy!" I shouted back. "Granted he may have started it first with ripping the skull off of Morty, but you, it was you, who kept it going. Even when Fitz tried to apologize, you wouldn't let it die. Just like at the dance, he apologized to you and you tried poisoning him."

"Oh so now you are taking his side? What has he done to you, Clare?" Eli looked so confused, "What kind of lies has he been filling your head with?"

"I'm not taking anyone's side Eli. You have known how I have felt about this since it happened. I told you then you were part to blame for what happened between you and Fitz."

"Right, Clare, I'm to blame for the psycho pulling a knife on me!" Eli laughed, "That's so funny! I don't remember telling him to pull that knife on me!"

"No, that was Fitz's decision. It was a bad decision on his part but..."

"But what Clare? Do not tell me that you think it's ok that he did this? Has he brainwashed you or something?"

"No, Eli, it's not like that but I feel that you should take some of the blame for what happened. The both of you were wrong and deep down you know that. I'm not agreeing with him pulling the knife on you but I don't agree with your actions either and you have known that all along!"

Eli takes a deep breath, "You're right, Clare. I'm sorry I should really take some of the responsibility." I see him swallow hard, "but why would you agree to tutor him?" he asked softly. "Especially when you know how I even feel about him being out of jail."

"I felt bad, Eli." I sighed. "I saw a side of Fitz that night at the dance that made him appear descent. I overheard his mom in Simpson's office one day and I felt bad because Simpson was going on about how no one would tutor him."

"He manipulated you that night, Clare. That side of Fitz you claim to see is what he wants you to believe. He'll turn on you, Clare and I won't allow that to happen. I am here to protect you." He said an eerily calm voice. "Why can't you just let me be the one to protect you?"

"And why can't you just let me make my own decisions?"

"Really Clare, can you blame me after the decision you made to go to the dance with him and I mean look at how that ended." I felt a sudden rush of guilt. It had been partially my fault. Eli was angry with Fitz for even pushing me to take him to the dance and then after the innuendos that Fitz had said about having sex with me. "How can you forgive him after he made all those comments about what he was going to do to you? He was going to have sex with you that night, Clare!"

"No, Eli, he wasn't. I have told you this time and time again. He told me that he only said those things to make you mad and look it had worked and as for you needing to be my protector. I really can protect myself."

"I just don't get how you could put our relationship in jeopardy to help that ass out!" He ignored my last comment.

"I'm sorry that I lied to you Eli but I didnt' feel I had a choice. I knew how you were going to be about this." I sighed, "Eli, I'm a Christian and part of that is being able to forgive those for their sins and that includes people like Fitz." I sat down on the front step of my house. Eli sat next to me. "Besides, he's not that bad of a guy, Eli. I think the bully thing was an act. I think he's misunderstood."

Eli shook his head, "Oh please Clare, don't use your believe in God as an excuse for helping out an attempted murderer!" I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his comment. "And as for this side of Fitz you believe it's all lies that he wants you to believe," he takes my hand in his, "I bet he's planning on how to get inside of your head and mess up our perfect relationship." I bite my lip keeping myself from pointing out that our relationship has been far from perfect. "Look, Clare, you know that I love you, don't you?"

"Of course." I smile. "But what does that have to do with me tutoring Fitz?" I ask confused.

"Well, let's just say that if you continue to tutor him, then I will have no choice but to end this relationship."

"What?" I pull my hand away from his, "are you serious? You're going to break up with me because I am tutoring Fitz to help him out?"

"That's exactly what I am saying!" He looked at me. "Look, you tutoring Fitz is a betrayal to me. You know how I feel about him and besides I mean you have been lying to me for four weeks now." I feel a sudden rush of guilt run through me. He was right I had been lying to him for weeks. "I think everyone would really back me up on this you know if I was to tell Adam, Drew, and Alli. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want anything to do with you if they found out you were having any kind of contact with that psycho. I mean can you imagine their reactions if they found out that Saint Clare was a liar and was hanging out with the guy that ruined Degrassi? I mean it would almost look like you were supporting the guy who forced Simpson to change the entire way things are run at Degrassi."

"So you're telling me that if I keep tutoring Fitz, not only are you going to break up with me, but you are going to tell all my friends so that they will hate me?" I ask softly.

He shrugged "So what's it going to be beautiful," he put his arm around me, "You're life as you know it or being a loner again in a school that had just finally started to accept you?"

The next day…

4:00pm - I look at the clock excited to see her. I had finished a short story she wanted me to write. My mom said it was good and I couldn't wait to hear Clare's reaction.

4:30pm - No Clare. I take out my cell phone and dial her number. Voice mail. "Hey, it's Clare. Sorry I can't take your call but leave me a message and I will be sure to call you as soon as can. Have a great day." I hear her cheery voice. "Hey, Clare, it's um me, Fitz. I just looked up and realized the time. Didn't know if something came up and you couldn't make it. Call or text me when you get this. I hope everything is ok."

4:45 - Still no Clare and still no call or text. I start to worry if something could have happened to her. I call Owen. O:"Hey Fitz my man!" I hear his booming voice. "What's going on?"

F: "Hey O! Not much. Just kind of sitting around. Bored. You know. Home bound kind of sucks."

O: "Yeah man I've been meaning to stop by but dude it's b-ball season and some niner tried taking my spot this year. I was like uh uh no way is that rugrat taking my spot so I got myself a tutor and have really buckled down."

F: "Cool. B-ball was always your game man,"

O: "Yeah," he states, "So how about I come over this weekend to your mom's crib and we play some Madden man like we used to?"

F: "Sure," I reply, "So hey O…um…yeah can you tell me if Clare Edwards was in school today?"

O: "Yeah I saw her with Emo-freak today. Still can't figure out what she sees in the guy! Do you know that he paints his nails? That's really messed up, Dude."

F: "Yeah, I guess it is. So um…Do you know if something happened and she left early or anything? She's been tutoring me for the past few weeks and she didn't show up today."

O: "Saint Clare's been tutoring big bad Fitz? Wow she must be looking to earn her wings." He laughed at his own stupid joke. "But no man, I thought I saw her and the Freak leaving school at the end of the day all hand in hand."

I feel something in the pit of my stomach.

F: "Oh ok well hey thanks O. I'll see you around soon."

I close the phone before he could reply knowing full well he was going to say sure he'd be over but come Saturday or Sunday he'd never show sending a text with some sort of excuse.

I flop down on the couch with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Why didn't she call or text?" I ask no one but myself. "Maybe something did come up," I say outloud once again to no one trying to convince myself, but I knew deep down that nothing had come up and just like everyone else in my life she'd bounced on me.

5:00pm - Ding Dong! I run over and answer the doorbell excited. "She's just running late," I smile. I open the door expecting to see Clare on the other side. Instead I was met with someone I never expected to see at my doorstep…


	7. Chapter 7

"Adam?" I ask shocked. "What are you doing here?" Adam and I did not have the best relationship to say the least so to see him standing at my front door confused the hell out of me.

"Um hey Fitz," he stutters out. "Clare asked me to come by and drop off your assignments."

"Is she ok?" I ask concern evident in my voice.

"Yeah," he shrugs, "She's fine." I stood waiting for an explanation that he evidently was not going to be giving.

"Umm...did you want to come in?" I ask still trying to grasp while he was here. He looked around and I could see the fear in his eyes, "Look, I don't have an issue with you Adam. I'm over the bull of last fall and really just want to move on. I'm not going to pull anything with you. The last thing I want to do is end up back in juvie."

He nods and walks in the door behind me, "Umm nice place. I would have never guessed you lived in a place like this." I shoot him a glare, "Sorry, no offense."

I shrug, "None taken. It's my mom's place."

"Oh," he looked around taking the place in. I wasn't that impressed but everyone that seemed to come through the door thought it was some awesome place. I couldn't even bring myself to call it home yet but I guessed it was an breathtaking experience the first time you walk in the door with it's floor to ceiling windows looking out over the city but I could really care less. Looking out those windows just reminded me of what I had been missing over the last several months. "What an awesome view! Just look at all those lights." He sounded a little like a girl there. I had all but forgotten that he was transgendered.

"Yeah, I guess." I shrug, "So um you never said why Clare couldn't make it today. I tried calling her but she didn't pick up. Did something come up?"

Adam shrugged his backpack off and opened it, handing me some course work. "Clare said you had your books here already and that you just needed your daily assignments brought over, so here you go." I could hear a rush in his voice as he handed me my assignments still not answering my question. It felt as if he was afraid to tell me what was going on.

I take the papers from him giving up waiting for an explanation. "Thanks for bringing this over. I'm sure this is not what you really wanted to do today."

He shrugged, "I did it as a favor to Clare. She'd promised me you wouldn't hurt me."

I smile, "She's right. That part of my life is long gone and I'm truly sorry for everything I did to you. I was really messed up back then and not that it matters but I really didn't have anything against you." He looked at me unconvinced. "Well, I mean I thought it was weird that you were a girl that wanted to be a guy but I mean I think my main issue with you was really Bianca having an issue. You know the whole friends sticking together kind of thing."

He shrugged, "Yeah I know what you're saying. Thanks for the apology."

I heard the door open, "Mark, could you help me bring in these groceries?" I hear my mom yell from the front door. "Oh I'm sorry" she looked up from kicking in a bag of groceries. "I didn't realize you had company."

I threw the papers on the couch and walk over and take the three bags she has in her arms, "Mom, this is Adam. He goes to Degrassi."

She walked over and shook his hand, "It's so nice to meet one of Mark's friends. I was starting to think he was embarrassed by me." I roll my eyes as I walk into the kitchen with the groceries. I return to hear her asking, "So Adam would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh thank you for the invite Mrs. Fitzgerald, but my mom is expecting me home for dinner, but thanks for the invite." Adam answered politely. I mouthed "Thank you" for not letting on to my mom that we weren't friends. Adam nodded an understanding.

"Oh anytime." She smiled and looked at me. "Where's Clare? You didn't cancel tutoring to hang out with Adam did you?" She looked at me with her hands on her hips, "Because you know my rule Mark about your tutoring."

I shake my head, "Mrs. Fitzgerald, I actually came over to bring Mark," Adam smiled at not having to say Fitz, "his work because Clare…" he stopped and suddenly instead of fear or hatred in Adam's eyes, I saw pity towards me. "Clare's not going to be able to tutor Mark anymore." He spoke softly.

There it was the feeling in my stomach. What the hell was this feeling? I shake my head. "Thanks for bringing my assignments over Adam." I head to my bedroom leaving Adam standing there with my mother and slam my door shut and flop down on my bed. Why? Why would she do this? She's just like everyone else. I hated her just like I hated everyone.

My mom knocked a couple of hours later, "Mark, did you want something to eat?" I didn't answer her. I had been laying there trying to figure out what I could have done to chase Clare away. She seemed to enjoy tutoring me and we had been getting along well. She was just here yesterday and we were getting along well. What could I have done in the last 24 hours. I go over the conversation in my head from yesterday. I didn't think I had been rude or a jerk, so what had happened? I hear the door to my bedroom open and hear my mom walk in. I still can't bring myself to look at her. "Mark, are you hungry?"

"No!" I state. "I'm not hungry."

I hear her sigh, "This is about Clare isn't it?" I couldn't answer her. I didn't answer her. I just laid there and continued to look at the ceiling of my bedroom.

She sighed, "Ok, well obviously you don't want to talk about it." She went to leave the room but turned, "I'm sure she has a good explanation as to why Mark."

"Yep, just like everyone else that leaves, huh, Mom?" I knew it had hurt. I see the hurt on her face.

"Mark, there are things about you aren't aware of that were going on back then," she stated quietly.

"Save it, Mom, I don't want to know what your excuse for leaving your family could possibly have been," I rolled to my side facing the opposite way from her. I wait and hear her close the door quietly behind her as she left my room.

I roll back onto my back and can't help but think about what is it about me that people run from and why based on the people that have left my life, why did it hurt so much that Clare left? She was just a tutor.


	8. Chapter 8

One week later…

"He hasn't answered the door for me at all this week, Clare." Adam explained. "I rang the bell like five times yesterday and it's not like I don't know he's in there. Where else could he go?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing, but I don't know, Adam, I feel so guilty." I stated.

Adam nodded, "He looked really upset that day, Clare. I found myself feeling bad for him. I mean he even apologized to me. I'm not even sure you made the right decision."

"I had to, Adam. Eli was going to break up with me." She whispers. "Plus, he told me that he was going to tell everyone and that you guys wouldn't be my friends and that he was going to make sure that I was ostracized for helping Fitz. I couldn't bear losing my friends over that."

"Over what?" Alli asked bouncing up to us.

I look from Adam to Alli afraid to answer the question. "Clare was tutoring Fitz for over a month and Eli found out and forced Clare to stop." Adam stated.

Alli looked shocked, "Clare-bear, you were tutoring, Fitz? Why didn't you tell me?"

I looked down, "I was afraid you wouldn't understand. Look he really has changed and I did really see a side of Fitz that was good even the night of Vegas Night. I just can't get anyone to understand. Everyone looks down on him for what he did, but Eli looks at it like he isn't to blame for anything and I mean really it was Eli who put poison in Fitz's drink. Fitz didn't even turn in Eli for doing that to him and you know maybe he should have because then Eli would have had to be held responsible for his actions too."

"And now Eli has her believing we would hate her if she continued to tutor him." Adam stated.

Alli wrapped her arm around me, "Clare, I think if you truly believe that you could help Fitz, then go and help him."

I swallowed hard, "I can't. Eli will be angry if continue to tutor, Fitz." I can even hear the sadness in my voice.

"Look, Clare, I like Eli and all but he can't control you. You aren't some character in his story that he's writing and can control." She frowned, "And I'm not going to hate you. I'll support you just like you've supported me through all the stupid decisions I have made." I looked at her offended. "I'm not saying that you tutoring Fitz is a stupid decision. What I was trying to say is that no matter what you have supported me through everything and I will do the same for you."

"Thanks, but I can't. I want to but I can't risk my relationship with Eli." I stated.

"So you would rather go on and feel guilty?" Alli asked. "Clare you need to stand up to Eli or he is just going to continue to manipulate you. I'll stand behind you and so will Adam."

"I will?" Adam asked shocked.

"Well, what do you think Eli would say if he knew it was you that's been taking Fitz's homework to him for Clare?" Alli asked. Adam didn't say anything but his answer was written on his face. "That's what I thought." Alli smiled. "So, let's come up with a plan…"

It was a Friday night and I was laying on the couch watching a movie. Another Friday night spent laying on the couch. "Six more weeks to go," I say outloud.

"What was that, honey?" My mom asked coming out of her bedroom dressed in a black dress fixing her earrings.

"Nothing just talking to myself." I state. "So where are you off to tonight?"

"Oh a friend of Joe's is having an art exhibit downtown so we're going to that and then out to dinner." She replied. I let out a sigh. "I know this is not exactly how you would choose to spend your Friday nights Mark but it'll be over soon enough."

"Yeah, I guess." I look towards the window and think about the fun I could be having if I wasn't forced to be stuck at my mother's penthouse apartment by myself. If this was months earlier I would be hanging out at the ravine with Bianca and Owen. "Looks like it's snowing." I state.

"Well, would you look at that." My mom smiled. "You know Christmas is coming in a few weeks. You haven't mentioned if there was anything you would like."

I shrug, "I hadn't really given it much thought."

"Well, why don't you think about it and let me know," she smiles and pats my shoulders. I watch her go to the coat closet and pull out a long black coat. "So I should be home around 11 or so, but if you need anything you can call my cell."

I nod and smile as she opens the door to leave, "Hey Mom."

"Yeah?"

"You look really nice tonight." I smile. "I hope you and Joe have a good time tonight. It's been a long time since you've been out."

She walked back over and leaned down and kissed the top of my head, "Thanks baby, and just so you know, I haven't minded spending time here with you." She walked to the door and turned again, "Mark, I hope you know that no matter what has happened in the past, I have always loved you." I nod not sure how to answer. She gave up waiting for one and I hear the door slowly close behind her. I sigh. I could feel the hatred towards my mother melting away but there was still so much I didn't understand about her and what had happened.

Ding dong…the doorbell snaps me out of my thoughts…I stand up and go over to answer it, "Did you for…Clare?"

"Hi." She said timidly with a big smile. I don't answer. "Look Fitz, I really owe you an apology. I shouldn't have stopped tutoring you like I did. I should have explained what was going on."

I shrug, "Honestly, Clare, I don't really care to hear some rationalization that you've come up with in order to make yourself feel better, and besides, it's not like I really cared if you tutored me or not."

She flinches, "Fitz, I understand why you are mad at me but maybe if you would just hear me out."

"Maybe," I shout and then take a deep breath and slowly let it out, "Maybe," I say quieter, "you should just leave." I turn around and go to shut the door but am stopped by her pushing the door open.

"Damn it, Fitz," I turn shocked at her swearing at me, "You need to understand what I put on the line for you. Eli found out about me tutoring you and…and…"

"And what, Clare?" I shout, "I get it you stopped coming over because you are so worried about your perfect relationship, but what I don't get is why?"

"Why what?" She asks quietly.

"Why do you let him control you like that? Why are you always so worried about him that you don't worry about your own feelings or what you want? When does Clare get to make decisions for herself?" She just stood there staring at me. "I mean, God Clare, I used to be someone with a mind of her own. You stood up to me and to so many other people but then now look at you. All you worry about is what precious Eli will say or do if you don't agree with him. It's pathetic!" I sneered.

"I know," she stated quietly looking down at the floor.

"What?"

"You're right. I used to be someone who stood up for what she believes in and lately all I have been is someone that feels the need to follow her boyfriend around like some lost puppy dog and pretend to be interested in everything that he's interested in." She looks up to me and makes eye contact. I see tears start to form and I feel bad for putting them there.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be such a jerk."

"You're not a jerk and I want to get back to being that girl that I can be proud of and that's why I am here." She smiles at the confused look on my face. "I snuck here without him knowing and I told you I would help you with your studies and I plan on seeing it through with or without Eli's knowledge or permission."

"Well, look at that, Clare Edwards, there's that rebel begging to be let out."


	9. Chapter 9

A little while later, Clare is going over my work that I have refused to hand in for the week. "So you actually did the work, but wouldn't give it to Adam?" She shook her head and giggled.

"What?"

"Can we say stubborn much?" She questioned raising her eyebrows and then giggling. I couldn't help but smile. She finished grading my English paper. "Really, Fitz, do you get where you would be if you had just applied yourself at Degrassi?"

"Yeah, I would have been a nerd with no life spending all my time with my nose in a book." I answer.

"And what's so wrong with that?" She asked. "I do that. Does that make me a nerd?"

"Well, Clare, actually,"

She threw her pencil at me and looked like she wanted to actually punch me. "Well, I would rather be some nerd than someone spends his days beating up kids for their lunch money"

"Really Clare, I maintain that I never beat anyone up for their lunch money." She gave me a look letting me know she wasn't buying it. "Fine, can you name these so-called moments when I was found to be beating these poor defenseless children up for their lunch money?"

She shook her head and laughed, "Well, I mean you are known as a bully."

"And that means I beat people up for their lunch money?" I couldn't help but laugh, "Clare, seriously, you need to stop watching TV so much." She looks at me unconvinced.

"Come on Fitz. Kids at school were seriously afraid of you. I watched people run from you in the hallway."

"Still doesn't mean I beat them up for their lunch money." I couldn't help but smile. Something I had not done much of since everything went down, but talking to Clare always brought a smile to my face. "Look, sure, I got off scaring kids in the hall, but really I never took money from anyone."

"Can I ask you a question?" She asks quietly.

"Sure." I shrug. "Boxers."

"What?" She asks confused.

"Oh I thought that's what you wanted to know." I smile when she blushes realizing what I was talking about.

She shakes her head and rolls her head, "Cute." She giggles.

"So now I'm cute?" I grin.

"I'm not answering that." She grins.

"Why Clare are you afraid to admit you're attracted to me?" I ask leaning across the table. "It's ok. I know you're afraid to admit it. Afraid that you would crush poor little Eli's heart when you finally admit that it's Fitzy-boy who your true heart belongs to. That it's really me that gets you all hot and bothered."

She leaned across and looked into my eyes, "And what if I am?" She asked smiling the most flirtatious smile I have ever seen slide across her lips. I can't help but look at those lips. The lips that I can admit I had wanted to kiss at Vegas Night.

"Really?" I ask swallowing a nervous lump in my throat. I wanted to kiss her so badly. We were mere inches apart. Close enough that I could feel her breath on my face. I could smell the flowery scent of her shampoo and the vanilla lotion she was wearing. She smelled beautiful. I continued to stare into her beautiful baby blues.

She suddenly leaned back into her chair. There was a look in her eyes, "I'm…I'm…not attracted to you Fitz. We are just friends, right?" She asked biting her lip.

I sat back in my chair and put my hands behind my head, "Right. Friends." I smile. "I was just kidding around with you, Clare. Although I don't quite understand, I know you are in love with Eli."

"Exactly." She smiles but there was something in that smile that I couldn't quite make out. I see her look at her cell phone, "Oh no." She stands up and grabs her bag off the floor. "I've got to go. My bus leaves in like 10 minutes and if I don't catch that one, I'm going to be late for curfew." She hurries and grabs her books off the table.

I walk her to the door and open it as she still is pushing things into her bag. "Thanks for coming back, Clare."

"You're welcome. I'll call you tomorrow so we can set up times for next week, ok?" I nod. "Ok, goodnight."

"See ya." I close the door when I see her get on the elevator. I lean my head against the door and sigh. I make a fist and find myself punching the door. I had let her get to me again. I had lied to her. I lied because I knew tonight that the feelings that I had always felt for Clare had never gone away and I wished the door was Eli Goldsworthy's face because it was him her heart belonged to. I turned my back to the door and slid to the floor my knees held up to my chest, "Why couldn't I be good enough for Clare to love?" I asked the empty quiet apartment.


	10. Chapter 10

"So wait are you telling me that you may have felt something for Fitz?" Alli asks me shocked. We had met at the Dot the next morning.

"No." I sigh. "I don't know." I shake my head and sigh again, "All I know is when we were leaned towards each other and I thought he wanted to kiss me, I wasn't running away."

"But you did run away." Alli stated.

"No, I didn't."

"But you did. You said you left early and told him that your bus would be coming soon when you fully knew your bus wouldn't be there for like 30 minutes." She shook her head, "I think you knew if you stayed there and he tried to kiss you, you would have let him."

"No, Alli, I wasn't going to kiss him." I whisper.

"Then why do you feel so guilty, Clare? You didn't do anything wrong."

"Alli, I lied to Eli and told him I went to my grandmother's last night and then I'm with Fitz and all I can think about is I wonder what it would feel like if he did kiss me. I'm pretty sure that is something wrong."

"Clare, so what? You told Eli a little lie to get him off your back. You do have a little rebel in there." She smiled, "Besides, isn't it awesome to have some sort of secret life?"

I smile and laugh, "Kind of like you with your one outfit for leaving your house and another once you get away from your parents? Or the ever famous quiet sex life you have so your parents don't find out?"

"Exactly!" She smiles. "It's kind of a rush to see if you get caught or not. That's why I think later on in life when I'm married, I'll end up having an affair just for the excitement of it."

"Alli!"

She smiled, "What? I'm just kidding, Clare." She giggles, "Besides, if I didn't know any better, I would really think you are starting to enjoy spending time with Fitz."

I shrug, "He really isn't all that bad, Alli. He is really actually smart, but he doesn't want to show it which I really think is just because he thinks people expect him to be the dumb school bully, so he plays the part."

She shrugs, "And I think you have something for guys who are messed up and you want to save. Just be careful, Clare. You may be playing with fire."

"Alli, are you not the one that encouraged me to continue tutoring Fitz behind Eli's back?" I whisper afraid someone would hear.

"That's the fire I think you should be concerned about. I really don't think Eli is always playing with a full deck, Clarebear." I go to ask her what she means by that when I hear her cell phone beep and she picks it up and I see her texting. "Crap, I gotta go. Sav is on his way. Apparently, we have some family thing we gotta do today." She stands up and kisses me cheek. "I'll see you later."

"Ok, bye."

I walk home in the fresh fallen snow. I loved the winter time right after a snow storm. I loved the trees with the snow hanging off them. The peacefulness of it all. I reach my house and open the front door to hear my parents fighting for what seems like the 1,000th time this week.

"Oh Randall, why don't we just call it the end then? Obviously, your family is not the most important thing to you anymore." I hear my mother's voice coming from the kitchen.

"Do not push all this on me Helen," I hear him reply. "You haven't exactly been the most loving wife over the years. Do you even remember the last time we had sex?"

I walk back out the front door quietly shutting the door behind me. I sit down on the front step. I can feel the cold through my jeans. I didn't want to stay here today. I needed to go. I take out my cell phone.

Clare: Hey what are you doing?

Eli: Hey babe I'm on a road trip with my dad. He got tix to see some band he liked when he was my age. Apparently thinks I might like them. Didn't want to let the old man down so I agreed to go. How's your visit w/ur g-mom?

Clare: Came back early

Eli: Oh. U should have told me u were coming back early. Could have gone with Bullfrog and me

Clare: it's ok. I'll c u Monday school

Eli: k

I sat there wondering what to do. I knew Alli was busy and Adam and Drew were away for the weekend. I stood up and started just walking. I didn't know where I was headed. I just knew I wasn't going back into my parents house.

"Son-of-a-bitch," I yelled at the TV. "Yeah nice you punk ass kid." I mumble into my headphones.

"Mark," I hear my mom yelling over the voices coming through my headphones.

"What?" I ask as I take off the headphones. "I'm in the middle of a game, Mom."

"Mark, you just yelled at some child for shooting you." She laughed. I gave her a look, "Look, I know how into your x-box thingy you are but I thought you would like to know that you have a visitor." She smiled.

"I do?" I ask throwing the controller and headphones onto my bed.

"Yes, you do." She smiles. "Clare's here." She smiles again and leaves my room.

I jump off of my bed and quickly look down to see I'm still wearing just boxers. I grab a pair of jeans off the floor and a t-shirt out of my dresser.

"He'll be right out, Clare." I hear my mom saying. "He's been in on that game box thing of his all morning."

"Oh if he's busy, I can come back," I hear her say.

I run out of my room with the shirt still in my hand, "Wait, no, you don't have to go. I'm not busy."

"Oh." She smiles timidly and blushes.

"Um, Mark," I hear my mom's voice, "I think we should greet guests fully dressed."

I look down to see my bare chest and my shirt still in my hand, "Sorry." I throw my shirt on. "Did we have plans for tutoring today?" I ask wondering why she was there.

"Um no…" She trailed off. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have just come unannounced."

"Clare, don't be silly," my mom smiles warmly at her. "Mark wasn't doing anything that he couldn't take time away from to study."

"On a Saturday?" My mom shoots me a glare. "Sure, um what did you want to study?"

"Ummm…" There was something bothering Clare. I could see it in her eyes. She looked sad.

My mom must have noticed as well, "You know, I just remembered I have some shopping to do. I think I'm going to be gone awhile so you two will have the place to yourself. Nice and quiet for some study time."

"Oh Mrs. Fitzgerald, you don't have to leave." Clare smiled shyly.

"Clare, don't be silly. I really have to get some Christmas shopping done and then I'm meeting a friend from work in a few hours anyhow so you guys will have plenty of time to get some studying done." She smiled as she walked to the closet by the front door and took out her coat. She put on her coat and smiled, "Call my cell if you need anything, Mark."

I nodded. I watched my mom leave and saw Clare take a deep breath. "So what did you want to work on today?" I ask. "Didn't you say last night that you would call me today to set up for next week?"

"Did I?" She squeaks out. "I was sure I said I would stop by today."

"No, I'm pretty sure you didn't say that." It was then that I noticed she was on the verge of tears. "Clare, is something wrong?"

"Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"Because, you look like you are about to cry and you don't have your bag so that tells me you didn't come here to study so the question is why are you really here?"

"I didn't know where else to go." I saw her swallow hard and a tear ran down her cheek.

I walk to her and take her hand and lead her to sit on the couch. I sit down next to her and help her take off her coat and gloves. She's barely moving on her own. "What happened?" I ask quietly.

"I was out for coffee today with Alli and she had to leave and so I decided to go back home and I walked in on my parents having a terrible fight." She sighed and I saw more tears start streaming down her face. "It seems that's all they do anymore."

"I'm sorry." I state quietly. "I know how it feels."

"I think my parents are going to get a divorce," she begins to sob. I put my arm around her and she leans into my side putting her head on my shoulder. "My parents always seemed to have the perfect relationship. So many things in common. So much love. Now, when we sit down to eat dinner one of them is usually missing or they stare daggers at each other."

"I'm really sorry, Clare." I sigh. "Watching your parents marriage crumble really sucks. I know."

"How old were you when your parents divorced?" She whispered.

"I was around 9 or so." I state. "They'd been fighting for a long time and then one day I came home from school and my mom was gone." I sigh.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "What happened with your parents?"

"Oh you know they were high school sweethearts, got pregnant, got married right out of high school, and then along came me." I smile. "I remember when I was small I always thought they were like a couple on a TV show. Perfect. Happy." I sigh, "But that was all on the surface. Underneath it all, they were hiding how unhappy they really were. Finally, one day my mom had enough and she left. She just up and left me with my dad."

"That really sucks," She sighed.

I nod. "Yeah, I blamed myself for a long time after she left. I guess in a way I still do."

"Why?" I hear her ask quietly.

I shrug, "I don't know. I guess you know because I was young and thought she left because I had done something wrong, but now I understand that there was just no way for them to work out the problems that had been brewing for a long time. What about your parents?"

"I don't know. I guess maybe I didn't really notice at first. I mean a couple months ago was the first time I had really heard my parents fight. I was asleep one night, and I woke up and decided to go get a drink and as I was walking down the stairs, I could hear their voices raised in the living room. My mom was yelling about all the time my dad spends working. He was saying that she needed to understand that he had to work a lot because he had to make sure that we were taken care of." I stopped listening and went back to bed. She sighed, "That's what I just don't understand my mom should be proud of my dad's accomplishment at work. He's been working hard to get where he has. Sometimes, my mom is just too hard on him."

"I know it sucks to hear this and you won't believe me when I tell you this, but sometimes you know it turns out for the best." I try to sound positive.

"I don't think so, Fitz." She cries. "It's just I always thought my parents would be in love forever and now I'm starting to think it's all fake."

"What is?" I ask her confused.

"Love. Relationships. I look at all the relationships around me, Fitz, and they are all fake." She sobs again. "Have you ever seen a relationship work out?"

"Well, no, but that doesn't mean that they don't. I mean I guess if you're right for each other, then it will all work out, you know?" We stop talking and she continued to cry with her head on my shoulder. I kept one arm around her while rubbing her back. She never moved and continued to just let me comfort her.

"I'm sorry." She whispers sometime later.

"For what?"

"Coming over here like that and just breaking down on you." She sits up and wipes away her tears.

I shrug, "I don't mind."

She turns and looks at me shocked, "Really? Come on, Fitz, you really don't come off as someone who allows girls to lean on his shoulder and cry."

"Well, you would be shocked to know that this shoulder has been used a lot." I squeeze her closer. She looks at me eyes wide with surprise. "Yeah, Bianca has used it several times. You know after every time some random guy she hooks up with doesn't call her the next day or some girl at school makes a comment about her being well, you know." I smile. She giggles. "What?"

"You just keep surprising me, Fitz."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have to be honest. When I agreed to tutor you, I really thought it was going to be horrible. I guess I assumed you were…"

"Dumb?" I laugh.

She smiles, "I mean based on how you were at school? Yes." She giggles. Oh how what that giggle was doing to me. "And then I mean there was Vegas Night."

I stop smiling and remove my arm from around her, "Look, Clare, about Vegas Night. You do really know I was never going to stab Eli, right?"

"Fitz, if you would have let me finish, remember when I first started tutoring you, I said I thought there was a good side to you?" I nod. "Well, I really believe that deep down inside you is this really sweet guy who hides behind the person he thinks he should be and not the person that he can be. You proved that today just by being here for me." She paused, "Fitz, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"What would you think if I told you that I want to go to Simpson and appeal to him to see if you can come back to Degrassi sooner than next fall?"

"What?" I ask her shocked, "Clare, do you realize that no one wants me there? I mean nobody."

She shrugs, "You shouldn't worry about what other people think." She smiles, "Besides, maybe I would like you there."


	11. Chapter 11

"Really, you want me there?" I hear him ask shocked. I was shocked I had said it. Did I want Fitz to return to Degrassi? How would that effect Eli? How would it effect me?

"Well, sure," I could hear the nervousness in my own voice. "I mean you deserve to have a proper education."

He nods. "Yeah, I guess." I swear I could hear disappointment in his voice. "I never really thought about education before."

"Never?" I asked shocked. "Sometimes, it's all I think about." I sigh. "I mean I worry about my grades all the time."

"Do you ever just let lose and have fun, Clare?"

"Sure!" I state. "Last year, I went to a church retreat…," I stopped when I see him roll his eyes. "What?"

He laughed, "I'm sorry, Clare, but I really don't picture you getting all wild and crazy at a church retreat."

"Well, I'm sorry," I state snidely, "I guess I'm not the type of girl you usually would hang out with. I mean I don't hang out at the Ravine getting stoned and drunk and having sex with whoever wants to have it with me, but just because I'm not like that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun." I could hear the nastiness in my voice.

"Chill Clare." He stated. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"I'm not offended." But even I could hear it in my voice. But why should I care if I'm not the type of girl Fitz hangs out with?

"And besides, lately, you are the only person I've been hanging out with." He sighed. "So apparently you are the type of girl I would hang out with." He nudged my side with his elbow.

He sits there with a distant look in his eyes. I assumed it was because he was missing his friends, "What are you thinking about?" I ask. "You know once you're off house arrest, you can go and see your friends. I mean I'm sure Owen is really busy right now with basketball and well, Bianca, well she is just Bianca. She's so wrapped up in herself to think about anyone else."

"B really isn't as bad as people think she is. She's gotta good heart, but she likes to play the bitch so no one will bother her."

"Kind of like you?" I smile.

He shakes his head, "Yeah kind of."

"So what were you thinking about?"

He sighs, "I was thinking about what it would be like to go back to Degrassi." He pauses, "People don't want me there, Clare."

"I think you are making it out worse than it could be. I mean people have pretty much forgotten about Vegas Night already." She shrugs, "Besides, you know if you were to show people this side of you when you came back, maybe they would realize that you aren't just the bully that you once were."

"Clare, people don't get over what I did," He sighed, "Sure maybe they've stopped talking about it, but they aren't over it. And I'm glad you have all this faith, but I don't. I really don't think people want me back at Degrassi especially…"

"Eli." I whisper before he could finish.

"Yeah," He nodded, "I'm pretty sure he'd be pretty pissed to see me come walking into Degrassi." He then chuckled.

I turned to look at him, "What's so funny?"

"Just picturing Eli's face seeing me enter Degrassi." He smiled. "He'd shit a brick."

I shake my head and feel a small smile break, "He would get over it…eventually. He'd have to."

"Clare, I get what you are trying to do and I really appreciate you having so much faith in me, but it wouldn't be easy to get the school board or Simpson to agree to it. You were there, you saw how hard it was for my mom to even get Simpson to consider me to return next fall."

"I know but I could appeal on the fact that you are doing the work and doing well on it. You are being compliant with the home schooling and your probation, and I would tell him just how much I feel that you deserve a second chance." Why was I so adamant about having him return to Degrassi?

He takes a deep breath, "Clare, I appreciate what you want to do for me but I have to be honest, I don't know if I want to go back right now."

I was shocked to say the least, "Really? I don't understand. I mean why put so much effort into your work then if you don't want to go back?"

"I didn't say I never wanted to go back. I just meant maybe I'm not ready to go back right now. I mean let's face there are a lot of people that are hoping to never see me again and if I come walking back into Degrassi, there's going to be some trouble and you and I both know that I don't handle trouble right." He sighs, "Maybe we should just wait until next fall. Besides, I don't want to…"

"What?" I ask.

"Look, we both know that Eli is going to hate the idea of me being back there and if was to ever find out that you were the reason I got to back now, I think he would take it out on you, Clare, and I wouldn't want to see you stuck in the middle again." There was a sweetness in his voice and a look in his eye. Did Fitz really care about me that much? _You're over thinking this, Clare_. I heard the voice in my head saying.

"Don't worry about Eli," I sigh, "I would deal with him somehow."

"Clare, can we just table this subject for now and maybe talk about it again later?" He asked.

I nodded and took a deep breath, "Sure." I didn't really want this to end. I truly felt that Fitz deserved a second chance to come back to Degrassi. The question was how could I convince him and everyone else of that?

Clare had pretty much spend the entire day at my house. I liked having her here. We spent the day playing video games and watching movies. It felt different hanging out with her like this. I couldn't tell her the real reason I didn't want to return to Degrassi. Could I tell her that if I was afraid that when I returned to Degrassi, that her and I would go back to the way we used to be with her hating me and me wishing she would even look my way? We were just finishing watching a movie when she turned to me and smiled, "What?" I asked.


	12. Chapter 12

"What?" I ask.

She smiled and shrugged, "I guess I'm just surprised, that's all."

"Surprised by what?" I ask.

"Well, don't take this the wrong way, but I've really enjoyed hanging out with you today." She smiled a shy smile. The facial expression I gave must have scared her, "I didn't mean it like you are taking it. I just meant that well I mean based on our previous relationship, it just surprises me that you and I could hang out like this and well be you know friends."

I nodded, "I can understand that. I wasn't exactly friendly in the past, was I?"

She smiled, "No, you weren't." She looked at her cell phone. "I should get going. At least one of my parents should be wondering where I'm at." She stood up and I followed her to the door as she put her coat on. I opened the door for her and she walked and stopped and turned when she got past the door. She did something that shocked me. She walked up and hugged me. I felt myself hugging her back. "Thanks for today, Fitz. Hanging out with you really made me feel better."

She pulled away and smiled, "You're welcome." It was all I could think of to say. Her smell had invaded my brain and I couldn't think clearly having had her so close.

"I'll see you Monday for tutoring." She smiled. "Have a good night."

"You too." I watched her walk to the elevator and push the button. "Hey Clare?"

"Yeah?" She smiled.

"You know if you ever need to talk, you can call or text anytime or we could even skype. My mom has a computer here." Oh shit I sound desperate.

"Thanks Fitz. I'll keep that in mind. See you or talk to you later." She smiled and waved as she stepped onto the elevator. I closed the door and stood up against it and smiled. It might not have been much but she had hugged me!

Three weeks had passed since the day of the hug, and unfortunately, there hadn't been another hug since. I hadn't Clare her in a few days. It was Christmas break and she had family in town. I find myself actually missing her. I try to convince myself that it was because I had no one else that even wanted to hang out with me but I knew the real truth. I knew the truth was my feelings for Clare ran deep. Deeper than I ever thought I could ever care about anyone. Deeper than I ever expected myself to feel.

My mom and her friend Joe were finishing cleaning up from our Christmas dinner, "Mark?" I turn to smile at my mom. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Yeah." I smile again. "It was a great day, Mom." I stood up from the couch and walked over and did something I hadn't done in years. "Thanks. For everything, Mom." I hugged my mom close. I could feel the surprise through her body but then she wrapped her arms around me for a very tight hug.

"I'm so glad." She smiled as she pulled away. "So you're sure you don't mind Joe and I going out for awhile to our friend's party? It's just we go every year and I mean I could stay if you want me to."

"No, it's fine. Go have some Christmas cheer." I smile at her.

"You sure?" Joe asks. "I mean I don't have a problem staying here and watching A Christmas Story another time."

I laugh, "No really go."

My mom grinned, "Ok. We won't be out long." She hugged me again and then walked over to Joe who helped put her coat on. "Call if you need anything."

"Ok get out of here." I wave at her. I watch them leave and sit down and look at the Christmas tree. There were piles of gifts under the tree. I had to say my mom had gone all out. I don't think she lacked anything I had reluctantly asked for. I guess she was making up for lost time. And what she hadn't bought, Joe had gotten for me. I was starting to like Joe and not for the presents that I had received but because it was actually nice to see my mom so happy. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and look down to see a new text message arrive. I open my phone and smile,

_Clare: Merry Christmas Fitz!_

_Fitz: Merry Christmas!_

_Clare: How's your day been? Did you get anything good?_

_Fitz: Yeah. Good day. U?_

_Clare: Yes some nice stuff. You know both parents making up for their issues._

_Fitz: Gotcha_

_Clare: So what are you up to?_

_Fitz: Not much. Mom and Joe went to a party so I'm just hanging out._

_Clare: Oh sorry._

_Fitz: For what?_

_Clare: You're alone on Christmas_

I didn't want to tell her that I was used to being alone on the holidays.

_Fitz: Eh no big deal. So how's your family gathering going?_

_Clare: Great. My mom and grandmom made so much food. I think I've gained like 20lbs over the last couple of days._

_Fitz: I doubt that_

_Clare: no j/k. only 10_

_Fitz: I c_

_Clare: well I should go. C u soon_

_Fitz: sure_

I smiled as I closed my phone. Seeing her text had made me smile. I felt good knowing that she had thought to text me. Of course, I knew I had been way down on her list probably after Eli, Adam, Alli and anyone else that was way more important than me, but it made me feel great knowing she even thought to text me.

I turn on the TV and flip through the channels looking for something not Christmas related. I settle on Die Hard. It's Christmas related but at least there's explosives and guns…


	13. Chapter 13

Thump!

It was New Year's Eve and I sat on my bed listening to the sound of boxes being dropped on the floor in the bedroom next to mine. I sigh.

I open my computer and sign on to my chat. No one was on. I knew Alli had gone to some cousin's party and Adam was away with his feeling and Eli, well Eli, I hadn't heard from him in a few days. I had tried calling him a lot since Christmas, but he hadn't returned any of my calls or texts I had sent him.

I take out my phone and scroll down my contacts…Eli and then Fitz…One right after the other. I smile. Ironic the two people in my life who can't stand each other are right next to each other in my phone book.

_C: Hey, you there?_

_Fitz: J Yeah what's up?_

_C: Nothing. U?_

_F: Not a thing. Just playing some xbox_

_C: Plans for New year's?_

_F: Oh yeah it's me, a cold bottle of coke, some junk food and left over xmas cookies, and the xbox. Pretty exciting, huh?_

_C: Sounds like a blast!_

_F: Yeah my mom and joe went to a party so I'm on my own._

_C: Not probably how you ever rang in new years before huh?_

_F: lol. No. if this was a year ago and it would be me, a pack of smokes, a bottle of jack, and passing out at the ravine. Sounds like an awesome time huh?_

_C: Lol! Not really_

_F: So what about u?_

_C: What about me?_

_F: Any big plans?_

_C: No._

_F: Really? Thought you'd be out ringing in the New Year with the gang_

_C: No. Everyone has plans or is still away with it being winter break and all._

_F: Right_

I didn't text right away. I was unsure if I wanted to text him and ask him what I wanted to ask him. I had decided I would but my phone went off before I could text him

_F: So I mean if you don't have plans tonight and want to maybe hang out, it'd be ok if you came over. I mean if u want to. No big deal if u don't_

_C: you know I was just going to ask u if u wanted some company_

_F: really? Great minds think alike ;)_

_C: yes they do. But really I don't want to take u from ur exciting plans for your night with ur xbox. It might get jealous you dropping her for a girl and all_

_F: lol. Who said I wasn't going to play xbox. I just figured you could sit here and watch me play keeping me company_

_C: lol. Oh sounds exciting._

_F: j/k. We'll watch some movies or something._

_C: ok. Be there in about an hour._

_F: k. c u then_

I put my phone down and looked at the mirror. I had showered earlier today but for some reason I felt the need to redo my hair and put on a cute outfit. What are you thinking Clare? You're only spending the evening with Fitz. But it just wasn't any evening…It was New Years Eve and I wanted to look nice.

**Fitz's POV:**

An hour later, I stood in the bathroom fixing my hair. After Clare and I had finished texting I felt the need to make myself look better. So I picked out a nice black button down shirt and some new jeans my mom had gotten me for Christmas. I stood in the mirror putting the last of the gel in my hair combing it the way I had it the night of Vegas Night. It had been that long since I had even bothered to do my hair.

I look down at my cell phone. She'd be here any minute. It was 9 o'clock.

I hear the doorbell ring and go through my room and head down the hall to the door. I open it to see Clare standing there a smile on her face. "Hi." She smiled.

"Hi." I smiled in return. "Come on in."

"Thanks." She stepped through the door and started to remove her coat. I helped her and then hung it up in the coat closet.

When I turned from hanging up her coat is when I truly saw how gorgeous she looked tonight. She wore a light blue v-neck sweater that made her blue eyes even brighter. I felt tongue-tied. I couldn't get past how beautiful she was. "So yeah um come on in." That was all I could come up with. I must sound like an ass!

**Clare's POV:**

I could see the way Fitz was looking at me. I couldn't deny it. I thought he looked good and from the looks he was giving me I think he liked how I looked too. What was going on here? Why was I looking at Fitz like this? And why did I care what I looked like for him? We were friends, weren't we?

"So I thought I'd pop some popcorn and you could pick out a movie." He finally said breaking the spell.

"Oh I brought one with me. I didn't think you'd mind." I smiled. "It's a classic and it's one of my favorites."

"Sure." He smiled. Go set it up in the living room and I'll go get popcorn and drinks.

I giggled as I put the movie in. He would have no idea what was coming.

**Fitz's POV:**

I hope she brought a good one and what did she mean by Classic? I popped the popcorn and grabbed two cokes and headed into the living room. Clare was sitting on the couch and I sat down next to her putting the cokes on the table and the popcorn bowl on my lap.

She picked up her coke and held it up, "Let's toast."

"What?" I ask taken aback.

"Pick up your coke and toast with me." I couldn't deny her when she smiled like she did so I picked up my coke and held it up to her.

"Cheers" I said and went to tap her glass.

"No, we have to do a toast first." She smiled.

"I don't have a toast." I shrugged and smiled, "But you go."

"Ok," she smiled and thought, "Let's toast to the start of a great relationship." She paused, "Frienship." She corrected.

I sigh. My hope busted. I nod, "Cheers." I smile and tap her glass taking a sip of my coke. I sit back and start munching on the popcorn, "So let's watch this favorite classic of yours." I tried to sound happy but I was a little crushed (I just hoped she couldn't hear it in the sound of my voice) by the change from relationship to friendship in her toast, but why should I be? I already know she's with Eli. I need to face it. Clare and I will never be more than friends…


	14. Chapter 14

**Clare's POV:**

I went grab a handful of popcorn at the same time as Fitz. Our hands touched and I turned and smiled at him. He pulled his hand back quickly. "Sorry."

"It's ok." He smirked. "No big deal. I'll wait til you get some."

There was something off about Fitz. Ever since I had done the toast, he'd been quiet. Almost distant. "So do you like the movie?"

"Definitely not what I was expecting." He murmured.

"What?" I feigned ignorance, "You don't like Alice in Wonderland? I told you that you needed to see it." I laughed. I saw a small smile go across his lips.

"It's a cartoon, Clare."

"I know. I said it was a Classic. I just didn't mention that it was a Disney classic." I elbowed him, "Come on it's cute, right?"

"Sure."

He was so being so quiet. I figured he must not find the humor in watching the movie. "You know if you don't like it, we can watch something different."

**Fitz's POV:**

I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I felt bad. I had to admit since her toast, I had been distant barely even talking to her.

"No, it's fine." I smiled. "I'm actually just kind of shocked as to why you brought the animated movie. Why not bring the one with Johnny Depp or whatever that guy's name is? I mean don't all teenage girls think he's the best?"

She sighed, "My parents won't let me own that one. They think it's inappropriate even though it's based on a book."

"I see."

"Wait a minute!" She jumped and turned to me, "Wait a minute, you told me you had never seen it."

"Well, I was flipping through TV one night and it was on so I watched it. I mean you did compare me to the Cheshire Cat afterall." I winked. "So you've never seen that version?"

"Well, my parents think I have never seen it, but I have. Alli and I borrowed it from Adam one night. He has this thing for Johnny Depp." She smiled.

"Well, look at that!" I leaned down and whispered in her ear, "There's Clare the Rebel again." I saw her shiver. Did she like me doing that?

She rolled her eyes, "I'm not a rebel, Fitz." She whispered.

I shrugged, "I disagree, Clare." I said against her ear again. I leaned in and was sure by the look on her face that she liked me this close and whispering in her ear like I was. "Clare, can I ask you a question?" I whisper again.

"What's that?" She murmurs quietly.

"It's almost New Years." She hook her head, "And you know at midnight aren't you supposed to kiss someone?"

"I guess that's a tradition." She shrugged. "But I mean we won't because you know I mean we well I mean we're friends and I mean it be ok if you know maybe you kissed me on the cheek." She was rambling on nervously.

"What if I didn't just want to kiss you on the cheek?" I swallow nervously.

"Fitz, I'm with…" I stopped from finishing her thought by kissing her then. I don't know what had come over me to do that but I knew she was going to talk about how we couldn't kiss because she was with Eli and I didn't want to hear it. I brushed my hand against her cheek. She hadn't pulled away yet. Our lips were still touching. Neither of us had moved. I pulled her by the neck closer to me and deepened the kiss finally moving my lips against hers. I could feel her responding to just the pecks I was leaving on her lips, and I wanted to deepen it further but didn't dare.

Clare finally pulled away from me, "Fitz, that shouldn't have happened." She stood up and headed towards the door.

I jumped up behind her, "Clare, wait, I'm sorry. I just…I…" I was at a loss for words. The kiss had effected me more than I ever thought it would.

"Save it, Fitz!" She was pulling her coat out of the closet by now and then turned, "How could you think it was ok to kiss me? I'm with Eli!" She shouted. "You can't just go around kissing people like that!"

**Clare's POV:**

"Fitz, I'm with…" My thought was never finished because the next thing I knew, Fitz's lips were on mine. I didn't push him away although my head was telling me too. I felt his hand brush my cheek and felt his hand on the back of my neck pulling me closer and the kiss deepening. I needed it to stop before it went any further, but the truth was I wasn't sure I wanted it to stop but then I thought of Eli and couldn't allow Fitz to just kiss me. I pulled away first, "Fitz, that shouldn't have happened." I stood up and headed for the door.

"Clare, wait I'm sorry. I just…I…" He stopped talking.

"Save it, Fitz!" I was pulling my coat out of the closet by now, but I turned, "How could you think it was ok to kiss me? I'm with Eli!" I shouted. "You can't just go around kissing people like that!"

"Look, I'm sorry but I mean I just thought…"

"You thought what?" I shouted not letting him finish. "You haven't changed at all!" I saw it then. The hurt in his eyes.

I went to open the door when it was slammed shut before I could open it, "Damn it, Clare, you know I've changed. You've said it yourself."

"Then why did you do that?" I whisper not turning around. Afraid to face him.

I feel him take a deep breath behind me, "I kissed you because it's all I've thought about doing since the first time I saw you!" He said quietly.

I turned slowly locking my eyes with his, "What?" I asked confused. I can feel the heat radiating from his arm that's to the side of my head keeping the door closed. I can see his breathing rapid and shallow as I watch his chest rise and fall. "What do you mean you've wanted to kiss me since you first saw me?"

He closes his eyes, "I've liked you for so long, Clare." His eyes open and lock with mine again. "You were in grade nine and you had long hair," he touched a lock of my hair curling his finger over it again and again. "You always looked so sweet and innocent with that long hair of yours, those glasses you wore, and damn those school girl uniforms. You have no idea what that look did for me." He took a breath.

"Fitz." I say quietly.

"Just let me get this out, please." He asked pleadingly. "I remember seeing you at the Ravine with Alli when she and Johnny were a thing. I always wanted to approach you. I figured Alli liked the rebel type of guys, maybe you did too, but then you were with Guthrie and I thought it was the jocks you liked. Then, I heard he'd cheated on you with that blonde,"

"Jenna?" I whispered. Still in shock. I had never expected to hear Fitz making a declaration of his feelings for me.

"Yeah, God, I wanted to beat the shit out of him for hurting you." He still held the lock of hair but let it fall. I felt his finger tracing along my jaw bone, "You seemed so hurt after him and I wanted to ask you out, but I thought there was no way someone so sweet and innocent would ever go out with some loser who hung out at the ravine and got a kick out of tormenting other kids." His thumb caressed my cheek and I felt me moving my head towards his palm. "Then at the beginning of school you came back with this whole new look, and I just remember thinking that it was my time. I needed to man up and tell you what I was thinking, feeling, hoping, but then…"

I swallowed, "Eli."

He shook his head, "He beat me to you." His fingers tracing my lips. "From the very first time I saw you look at him, I knew I had lost again." He dropped his hands and moved away from the door and went to look out the window. "I never knew what drove me to rip that skull off his car, but I knew deep down it wasn't because I necessarily had anything against Eli, I think deep down inside I knew it was because he had you. I couldn't understand why you would look twice at him, but you wouldn't give me a second glance." He continued to look out the window, "I guess instead of being angry with you, I took it out on him because he had what I wanted." He turned and looked at me eyes locking, "He had you and I hated him and I wanted him to pay for having what I thought was mine." He ran his hand through his hair, "I thought I would feel better if I ripped that damn skull off his car, but then he got me arrested and it just continued to spiral out of control and then Vegas Night happened." He turned and looked back out the window.

"Fitz?" He turned and looked at me, "So that's why you wanted to take me to Vegas Night? Because you liked me?"

I could see him swallow hard and then he shrugged, "I thought maybe we would go and I could show you I wasn't such a bad guy and then you would change your mind and…" He trailed off.

"And what Fitz?"

He took a deep breath, "That maybe I could show you that I was a better match for you then Eli, but then the jerk had to go and try and poison me and ruined everything." He went and sat on the couch with his back to me, ""I wanted to kiss you so badly that night. When you came looking for me at my locker, there was this part of me that hoped you had come because you saw what an ass he was, but you were still so head over heels for him."

"But the knife? Why did you pull the knife?"

"Because I was embarrassed by what he did to me so I wanted to embarrass him just as much. I wanted him to piss his pants in front of everyone like he made me puke in front of gym full of people. I wanted him to see that I had had enough of his crap and I just wanted it to end." He shook his head, "What is it about him Clare that makes him so much better than me? Why do you love someone like him but me, you won't give the time of day to?"

I turned the knob on the door and opened it. I saw him shake his head and look down, "I'm going to go, Fitz." He shook his head. He didn't make a scene or try to stop me from leaving. I walked out the door shutting it behind me. I walked down to the elevator and pushed the button waiting for it to arrive, I leaned against the wall behind me but I kept glancing at the door to the apartment. What did I want? Did I want him to come after me? What was he expecting me to do just give in and tell him that I wanted to be with him because he finally declared feelings that he'd apparently had for me for so long? Did he expect me to just dump Eli because he told me he liked me for a long time? I took out my cell phone and looked at the time 11:59pm. Did I want a New Years kiss from Fitz? I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't.

**Fitz's POV:**

I sat there with my face in my hands. I had just poured out my heart to her and she left. I look at the clock on the TV. 11:59pm.

"Happy New Years Fitzy-boy!" I say to myself.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

I get up and head to the door opening it. "Clare."

"Shh!" Was all she said. She stood on her tippy toes and gently laid a kiss on my lips. She pulled away, "Happy New Years, Fitz."

"Clare," I reached out and hugged her close, "I'm sorry for before. I shouldn't have kissed you. It's just I…"

"I know." She pulled away and frowned, "I wish I could return your feelings, but I can't."

"Can't or won't?" I ask.

"What do you mean?" She asks confused.

"You came back to kiss me on New Year's but yet now you try to tell me you have no feelings for me?" I shake my head, "I think you are lying, Clare."

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, "Fitz, it doesn't matter if I have feelings for you or not. I love Eli and I'm not going to do something to jeopardize our relationship."

"What is it about him?" I shout.

She jumps back shocked, "I don't know, Fitz, but it's Eli that I love. I can't just give in and be with you just because you want to be with me. I like you but I love Eli!" She takes a deep breath, "I don't think I'm going to be coming here anymore."

"Fine, we won't hang out, but I mean you are still going to tutor me, right?"

She shakes her head, "I can't, Fitz. It will be too complicated. I wouldn't feel comfortable."

I hit the door with my fist and see her jump, "Clare, can't we just go back to a couple of hours ago? We'll just pretend that this never happened."

She shook her head, and took my hand in hers, "Fitz, I can't do that. It's too much for me to handle."

"Too much temptation, Saint Clare?" I ask snidely. She nods her head. "Well, then I guess this is goodbye then."

"I'll talk to Mr. Simpson after break to see if there is someone else who would be willing to come and tutor you." She went to leave but turned, "You're a really great guy, Fitz. You'll find that person for you someday." I saw a tear come to her eye and run down her cheek. She wiped it away. "I'll see you around, ok?" She smiled as I nodded. She made her way back to the elevator and I closed the door hitting it with my fist.

I hear the voice in my head that I used to hear everyday of my life, _"See Mark, she left just like everyone else does. You're unlovable. No one ever wants you."_ I sink to the floor and cover my ears, "Shut up!" I yell, "Shut up, Dad!"


End file.
